The Broken Flower Pot

The Broken Flower Pot

A Military Fable

Sometimes a little imperfection is a good thing

This is a story related to me by a retired Major of the Indian Army; he was in a Medium Gun battery in the regiment of Artillery. The context was an argument that I was having with someone over some harmless typos in an important document. Those were the days before PCs, MSWord or Spellcheck; that’s to say, it had been banged out on an old Remington mechanical typewriter. These machines didn’t allow much for error. The Major, bless him, overheard and butted in. He then told this tale, which (he said) was his actual experience. I’m more inclined to think it is one those old soldiers’ yarns which get passed on from generation to generation.

The story goes like this…

One day the Major was summoned by the Colonel, “Look, the General is going to come and inspect our unit in a few days. Go and get everything in proper order!”

The Major saluted and said, “Yes Sir!”

The Major went to the Subedar, “Subedar sa’ab,” (Subedars have long years of service behind them so even Commissioned officers address them as ‘sahib’) “The General is going to come and inspect our unit in a few days. Go, get everything in proper order.”

The Subedar saluted and said, “Yes Sir”.

In a few days time the Subedar told the Major that everything was ready for inspection. The Major did a dry run of the inspection to see things for himself.

The visiting dignitary’s flag car goes to the Quarter Guard, where the Guard presents arms and he inspects them. The start-off point of the inspection, so to say.

The Major drove his jeep to the Quarter Guard and alighted. The Guard fell in smartly, the Quarter Guard commander barked orders, the guards’ rifles snapped and clacked in satisfying unison as they presented arms. The Major went to inspect the Quarter Guard and.. hey! What’s this? One of the flower pots near the flagpole had a piece broken off. “Look, sa’ab, that flower pot is broken. We can’t have that, at the Quarter Guard, of all places!”

Everything was spick and span. Anything made of brass had been brassoed and gleamed, seemingly with a light of it’s own. Everything in line was ruler straight. Everything white was freshly limewashed. Even the trees seemed to be standing at attention.

“Subedar sa’ab, everything seems OK,” said the Major after his inspection, “But see to that broken flower pot at the Quarter Guard, will you?”

The Subedar saluted and said, “Yes Sir”.

The Major reported to the Colonel that everything was ready for inspection. The Colonel decided to do a dry run himself.

The Colonel’s jeep roared up to the Quarter Guard. The Colonel got out. The Guard commander shouted his commands. The rifles snapped at present arms smartly as before. Then the Colonel bristled, “So this is your readiness for inspection, eh Major? See that broken flower pot”.

The offending flower pot was still in its old position.

After the inspection the Colonel told the Major that everything looked all right, but do get rid of that broken flower pot.

The Major saluted and said, “Yes Sir”.

After the Colonel had driven off the Major turned on the Subedar, “Sa’ab, I’d told you to get do something about that damned flower pot. It’s still there!”

“Sa’ab ji, I must have forgotten about it.”

“Subedar sa’ab, please don’t forget this time. I do not want to see that blasted flower pot again.”

The Subedar saluted and said, “Yes Sir”.

The great day arrived, and so did the General, punctual and on the dot, followed by the Colonel.

The General, as usual, went to inspect the Quarter Guard. Shining badges, uniforms with knife-edge creases, rifles with not even a nano-particle of dirt. And then, “Colonel, what the devil is that broken flower pot doing at the Quarter Guard?” The Colonel turned purple, the Major turned pale.

After the inspection the General couldn’t resist a parting jibe at the Colonel on the state of one his Quarter Guard flower pots.

The Colonel waited till the General’s entourage was out of sight and demanded to know What The Bloody Hell etc.

After having let off steam the Colonel stormed off. The Major was understandably miffed and went to the Subedar, “Sa’ab, that flower pot was still there. Now tell me, what is the meaning of this.”

“It was a mistake sa’ab ji, I forget again” said the Subedar, looking into the middle distance.

The Major now switched to the Subedar’s native Punjabi and said, “I’ve served with you long enough to know you don’t make silly mistakes. Now tell me, what is the reason for that broken flower pot? Is it some superstition, good-luck charm or something? I’m sure it was placed there deliberately”

“Sa’ab ji, you’re right. It was placed there deliberately. In fact, I put it there myself. And the reason is this: anyone coming for inspection first goes to the Quarter Guard. Whoever is coming to inspect hopes to find something wrong. When he sees the broken flower pot, he is delighted. ‘Aha! A broken flower pot!’ he says. And in the end, when the report is typed out, what is the most he can write? ‘I found a broken flower pot at the Quarter Guard’. Now if he didn’t see that broken flower pot, he would still be determined to find something wrong. What if he checked our MT?” (Army speak for Motorised Transport, the ordinary sort of Transport still presumably means horses and mules). “This is the Army and our business is fighting wars; it is not gardening. One of our tractors, for example” (the artillerymen term their big 6x6 trucks used for towing artillery guns as tractors) “One of them doesn’t start as the mechanics still haven’t figured out what’s wrong with it. And one of the jeeps has got it’s tailgate bashed in because a Lance Naik put her in Reverse instead of First. And what if the General wanted to go into the Quarter Master’s stocks? There are thousands of items in the Quarter Master’s stocks, and some item in the register or the other doesn’t tally with the actual numbers in stock. Now that’s a serious defect; it can even put someone’s career on the line. But now what will the General’s report say?”

“Yeah, we found a broken flower pot in the Quarter Guard. Meaning that everything else is fine. Subedar sa’ab, you are a very wise man, and I’m lucky to have served in your unit.